Coma Die

The Descendants ★★★

Famidramedy that's better than it's ridiculous soap opera premise.

Rich bloke tries to deal with slightly unruly kids and an important land deal whilst cheating wife is dying in coma after a speedboat accident.

Amusing in places, fairly understated and the Hawaiian setting keeps it visually interesting.

Kept from getting a fourth star as it tried a bit too hard to be heartwarming and poignant.

If I want to watch that I can kick a puppy.

Men Who Hate Women

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo ★★★

Hard to get away from the three main problems with this film.

Firstly it's a remake of a two year old film and apart from having everyone speak English and looking more expensive, I'm not convinced it's actually any better.

Secondly, it's about a computer hacker and full of absurd Mac product placement. Since the hacking is treated as basically magic, maybe it doesn't matter how implausible that is.

Finally because it's set in Sweden, everyone has unnecessary Swedish Chef style fake accents.

Would probably have got another star if I hadn't seen the original.

Backstabbers

The Ides of March ★★★

Decent cynical political thriller about the compromises necessary to succeed in American politics.

Lots of good actors, acting good.

Dumb

The Artist ★★★

Much hyped naked emperor circle jerk tribute to silent film.

Dull, predictable and devoid of humour.

Had one moment to redeem itself when the main character could have blown his brains out but didn't.

Anyone who says this is above average is wrong.

Bronzed Turd

Immortals ★

Feature length perfume advert. 

Entirely without any redeeming qualities.

So bad, it's bad.

Cat Flap

Puss in Boots ★

Third part of the hardcore trilogy that started with Cock in Jodhpurs, followed by Ringpiece in Waders.

This time bravely re-imagined as a childrens cartoon about a swordfighting mexican cat.

Just awful.

Already a contender for worst film of the year.

Beige

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy ★★★★
70s cold war thriller.
Doesn't explain much, so it's up to you to work out what Control, Karla, the Circus and the 70s were.
Atmospheric, smoky, slightly shabby and very brown, like a trip back in time to Ponders End.
Jim Gordon and Sherlock Holmes in a wig stare at each other a lot and track down a Russian mole in some sort of low rent gentlemans club.
Evokes the spirit of the time so well that you don't realise that not a lot actually happens.

Wu Tang

Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame ★★★
Another chinese story 'inspired' by a true story from over a 1,000 years ago.
So basically completely made up.
A series of murders where the victims spontaneously combust, is investigated by .....it doesn't matter really, there's some not too terrible CGI, excellent wire work and a lot of fighting.

Sssssss

The Sorcerer and the White Snake ★★

Chinese film about a monk with magical powers, his apprentice who turns into a bat demon, a herbalist and a 1000 year old woman who is also a giant snake.

Possibly not based on a true story.

Visually impressive but not all that interesting with an over-reliance on CGI.

Wasn't expecting such a straight-forward romance - boy meets girl/snake, boy stabs girl/snake, girl/snake tries to rescue boy by drowning everyone and gets a tower dropped on her.